can the crumbs wait
Stewardship doesn't mean that your house will always be clean.
(Or, put another way, tidying your kitchen can be an act of disobedience)
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The words swirled in my head. I grasped for them frantically, but not by reaching for a pen, or the notes app on my phone. Instead, I clung to a kitchen rag and internally begged the mommy brain fog to stay at bay and to keep the mental message that was forming clear, just until I wiped lunch's leftover crumbs from the table and chairs. Last task, and then I'd write, I promised myself.
But some orange-y Dorito bits and crumbles of bread found their way to the floor, and now I needed to sweep. So... I may as well wipe the counters before that so I wouldn't be doing double duty, right? But before I could get to those crumbs, first I'd have to remove the clutter and--oh!! what was I wanting to write again??
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One of the reasons I consider myself a writer is because I can't not write. I know that the One who formed me in my mother's womb is the one who implanted that impulse, that desire to weave the words of my experiences into tapestries that may bring others comfort, warmth, enjoyment. So if it didn't originate with me, that's means I don't have the option of choosing whether or not I will follow through on using the gift for His glory. For me, to write is both an act of faith and a response of obedience.
Simultaneously, my role as a wife and mom means I hold various responsibilities of parenting and discipling and disciplining and homemaking and educating (and so on and so forth). I can't turn it on and off as I please, and it rightfully requires the bulk of my care and attention. That said, even with a whole husband and 4 little humans to parent, it's easy to conflate the very practical needs of serving a home and family with the very practical need to follow through with other callings from God on my life in areas that don't necessarily revolve around home life.
Interestingly, so much of my writing and spiritual application is sparked by what I'm experiencing in my marriage or relationships with my kids, so in this season, the callings of a wife and mom and writer walk some what comfortably hand in hand. But what happens when the pull, the tension, the resistance comes, and the urge to write comes when the floor needs to be swept, the laundry needs to be switched, the toilets need to be scrubbed?
There is no clear cut answer here, at least in my own life. The immediate needs of my little image-bearers most frequently take priority over pen to page progress. But I'm not talking about when people are directly involved here. I'm learning that pursuing God-given creativity when, by appearances, things may look somewhat "neglected" on the homefront, has it's place too. However, I'm not trying to create a crutch or way out for myself to forsake my responsibilities and live in squalor. So here are some questions I ask myself:
-By whose standard am I measuring myself? Am I cleaning (or whatever the action may be) because of a perceived image in my head of "that mom" who would never let the kitchen or laundry go untended because of "so-called inspiration"? Or will my actions, whichever I choose, be a true act or honoring God? It's surprising how often fear of man (literally, fear of people who can't even see my home!) can be what directs my decisions.
-What will I regret in this moment? If I have a busier than normal day ahead, and the sink is overflowing, lunches, need to be packed, and the last load of laundry needs to be put in in dryer, wisdom says to get that done and trust the Lord to help me to retain the thoughts he wants me two write out. Sure, I could "get up early" and get the tasks done, but let's be real. This is me we're talking about, and I typically don't do early.
-What action leads to a more ultimate flourishing? Not to hyper-spiritualize this, but I believe it really takes walking by the Spirit and His leading to know what the most fruitful action is in any given moment. My next right thing isn't the same every day. Sometimes I "get it right" and the fruit shows in not only what I've written, but also in my attitude towards the things I need to get done that were temporarily put off for the sake of obeying the call to write. For me, tell tale signs of a choice gone wrong is an ongoing posture of irritation and frustration towards home and the people of it because of writing at a time I should have waited, or doing things with an awful attitude when it really would have been acceptable to hold off on those chores.
To sum up the situational evaluations:
In this case, can the crumbs wait?
Inspiration is often inconvenient, and following God's leading doesn't look the same in every set of circumstances. Sometimes cleaning takes necessary precedence, other times the dishes may have to sit in the sink just a little while longer.
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This go round, I decided to I finish the kitchen. I cleared the lunch crumbs, uncluttered the counter, wiped the granite, swept the floors. And then, then, I sat down to write.
I readily acknowledge that inherent to this choice to immediately sweep the lunch crumbs, I unintentionally swept away some of the creativity and inspiration too. The thoughts aren't as cohesive as they were when they were fresh and ready to be put to paper. But obedience in this moment meant a clean kitchen. Next time, it might not. Whether writing words or wiping counters, I hope to steward both well.